confronting my wife's lover

My husbands job was about to dictate him to be working out of the town he and his AP spent time in on a two week gone one week home schedule for the next three months. I cut the cord. Why? Worked in my case, but I get why you'd advise against it. Do NOT get tempted to lose your temper as well. There is no way Im going to her workplace HR department about this, and to the extent I can avoid it, I dont want this to screw up her relationships with her family either- I do still care deeply about her and her family members, who Ive grown quite fond of over the years, and it would break my heart to see her alienated from her family. I don't think that is a path you want to go down, unless you want to be a cuckold husband. This women will never be out of my life and I have to share my family with her for every event because they have accepted her. I know that if I were in her shoes, If she didnt know my spouse and I were together and found out he had been lying not only to her but his wife and child, I would never want t anything to do with the guy ever again. I showed her pure ignorance. Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. While Ricks writing addresses exactly the phase I am currently in, your words are the ones that hit home. I really see no need to address such issue. To what purpose ? If you want to join them, that I can undetstand. Do you realy think you are going to change her behaviour Or is this how your mar You are too feeble minded to comprehend this. If you do not respect yourself then who will? And why you didnt post there following the replies? Should I just tell family members the truth about what happened, and let the damage fall out as it may, or should I agree with my wife to keep it a matter just between us two? Maybe I am a wimp, I'm here for advice and I can't help the way I feel. What you thought was your world is actually not the truth at all. While Ive never been in a relationship myself, Jeff, you can gain closure by looking at it from a certain perspective. It is scary, but it is so worth it. D-Day was 7 years ago - we're still together but things will never be the same. My wife is lying to me. Each person has to make their own decisions, but I hope you don't cause yourself any more pain. His wife pleaded with me to not contact him until she could serve him with the divorce papers because being a very high profile person in our small town that if word got out it would ruin his reputation and he would have no reason to sign the papers that would have meant a very large settlement to her. What about telling the affair partner's spouse if the motive for doing so is to clear your conscience morally and being truthful? They both mutually said the worst about me, making me a common enemy. There are no kids and assets are minimal so that is not my concern. Can't you see you're dealing with an uber being? We dont take each other for granted as we now know what boundaries are non-negotiable. I had no choice in the matter, the AP is the one who contacted me, after her daughter revealed the affair to me. Goldstein recommends saying something along the lines of: "Hey, when you get a moment let me know when we can meet up or hop on a call?" Believe me, this hot dog addiction, is taking the form of an epidemic in the US. It might also extend to the rules of law. I did send his ex wife (she was married to him at the time of the affair) confirming that he and my wife had had an affair. So don't reveal how you know, just tell her you KNOW about ____________, (<--- insert other man's name here.). That I forgave her. lol! I would sit her down and ask her to explain why "she is confused and doesn't know what she wants from life" now.. when 12 months ago she wanted to get married. Start planning and executing on your plans. I have waited a year and have given it a lot of thought. I would love to know what software was used? In any case several excellent PIs offer their services at reasonable monetary consideration. Now I feel like Im in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind. He bolted. Most likely, youll come across as being insincere and manipulative. Sometimes separtion is whats best for the child. If I confront her lover and we ended up fighting and I am badly injured, I am the one that will be ashamed. 1. My candid answer is no. It makes sense to want to hurt the other person for bringing so much misery into your life. In such a situation, the other person may be able to gain the upper hand by saying things which make you look foolish or not in control In my case, I had new friends come suddenly into my life, enough intimacy to get through. It was a confusing, emotional and destructive time in my life, to say the least. Part of HuffPost News. A dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end? I cannot confront her in public. Get professional support. They spoke in a similar way. You don't want anything to do with it, and must consider quitting your marriage before wifey's fascination for strange hot dogs takes epidemic proportions. WebTheres no point in confronting those lovers. So atleast you have that going for you. To compare notes. Do not fight around him or anything. Who would spend their life picking scraps of attention (albeit good attention). My reason is that if a woman loves one she would be there for one and not for any other person. Wow I never thought to think of it like this. He allowed her to remain in control of how this would play out. A: What you experience is a natural emotion of jealousy and insecurity. Hes 25+ years my senior, very successful rich even. I cant fight a woman because of a man-Rachael Oni. Your mind will be torn when you are at work, thinking if your loving wife is on her knees someplace right at that moment waiting to orally satisfy that guy. I need him to know for me. Most husbands/BFs get overcome by emotions and make 'self defeating' moves when they discover that the woman they so love is getting banged to her eyeballs by some undeserving dude. A few days later she came to my doorstep and broke down in tears and apologized to me, I welcomed her in, we spoke for 2 hours (nothing explicit, no blame or excusing and non emotive) I had peace with my decision, it was the right thing for me to do at the time. Let her go. I didn't want any details from the AP - he was 15 years older, weak, and very unattractive. I will not confront her. Of course he forwarded my email to her, and to my utter shock she let him know that she didn't feel the same as I did (she was still DEEP in the fog of the affair and hadn't confronted her illusions and rationalizations yet) and that her 'friendship' with him (old boyfriend from 30 years earlier) always had and always would be special to her. This material, and other digital content on this website, may not be reproduced, published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed in whole or in part without prior express written permission from PUNCH. Not there yet. I attempted to make him feel guilty for treating my wife like a cheap tramp and explained to him that, unlike him, I loved her and would take care of her., etc., etc., etc. But you are still a father. She also knew I wasn't the first affair and probably wouldn't be the last. Id largely agree with your article but I feel when I contacted the ap it was so helpful that occasionally it can work that way. The most important thing to remember; is every new day you are rebuilding and retooling your ship. But all of this is in hindsight, no one could of predicted this storm.Old hands will retire from their service with you, while new ones will enlist. I was trying for medical school, and my grades were pristine. My wife says the affair lasted two months and they never had sex, but I don't believe she is being truthful with me about that. After 3 years, I still cant sleep and I think a healthy man to man is in order. By If cheaters can't have secret cake (the affair and the marriage), they will settle for a public pick me dance. Probably convinced her to keep working on mine. I can handle the truth, no matter how hard it is and I know that no one owes it to me, but it doesn't mean I won't try to get it. You will get through this. And she wanted details. How I found about the affair was her calling constantly when he was home. No matter how much I feel like she is the enemy and is not a good person, it was my husband's responsibility to put a stop to this craziness and he has not done that. Long ago, I was the other woman, the mistress, and the villain. Or will your spouse feel sorry for his or her lover? They may be crazy Safety first. My username is signalhill84. Don't participate in this humiliating game. She was sick Your heart is going to be torn to shreds, you self respect would be zero when all is said and done, and its going to leave a huge hole in your soul which would take a long time to fill, if ever. This is the first time in my life that Ive lived alone, and its a little exhilarating. Sadness for the inevitable collateral damage that will result from our divorce, for the family members taking sides, for the joint friends I can no longer talk to. Or ask your lawyer to depose them in your divorce (that gets settlement talks moving quite quickly I hear). If you think anything else will happen, well. It is only a mad man that will do that. We talked a long time and I told her that I was going to contact her husband and let him know that I knew and how disappointed I was in both of them . The best solution is to talk to my husband. TL;DR, but he does not need a PI, he has all the proof he needs. Completely unfair. I ghosted her and have always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it! 3. . I don't want to drag her through the mud. This also backfired. WTF!!! Its hard to do when the AP is the down stairs neighbor and you have to see them multiple times a day and money doesn't allow you to move for 2 more months. Keep your emotions under complete control. My wife of almost 35 years told me she had had an affair with her boss and my friend almost 30 years ago. I did exactly that.ignored the AP. Frustrating isn't the word for how I felt. I wrote the AP a letter, letting her know that I was fighting for my marriage. Its your turn to return the favor. Apart from being married, I have an image to protect. She is not the woman you thought she was. Every situation is unique, would I recommend it? In the first case, desperate people can do desperate things. Let me repeat, do not confront your loving wife. Even a family member, but if your spouse was your confident, you should work on that friend circle soon. It is an opportunity. E. There are better women out there. In retrospect, my naivete was breathtaking, but that was before a therapeutic consensus against all of the above emerged, before the current cornucopia of helpful books on affair recovery, and certainly before helpful websites like this one. I calmly told him never to speak to my wife again. Then I ghosted. You would then dictate from a position of power, absolute power. It taught him there wasnt a limit to what I could cope with - but yes she did turn to him for comfort and played the guilt card. Truth About Deception back to our home page. To outsmart her and pretend, while your team gets on her case. Don't make me explain it to you. And i would assume a great many of things as well. I offer my experience only by way of illustration. The person I have business with is my husband not her-Tobiloba Oko-Oboh. Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. Do you think that the other person has a good read on the situation? We even went and had drinks with her and the other other woman lol. My wife will even marry the man. Your son deserves to be in a positive environment. Dump her, go NC and live life and work on being a stronger person. So I did wait for a couple of weeks but then I sent him text messages and told him just what I thought of him and just how bad he had hurt me and my wife and that I was being moved by the Lord to let him know that I forgave him and would pray for him and that I was determined to make our marriage work no matter what . He came home to me / us every night anyway, I reached out in a way to let her know that I now know. At some point my FIL will pass away and I'm sure the AP will show up at the funeral. This doesnt tarnish who you are or what you can become. Let me spare you the trouble -- don't go there. September 9, 2011 6.16am. And then she sent another message that she would be happy to meet to set the record straight. Pointing and laughing? @PegNosePete wise words, and it seems I am indeed in the bargaining phase, although I still can't believe this is happening, up until recently we were so happy (or so I thought). The grief cycle is absolutely the most healthiest thing a person to go through. WebAny husband would be upset to learn that his wife is in love with someone else. Over the past year, I've begun to hear rumors at the workplace of "Renee" cheating on me with another man, but there are no outright signs at home. The world is still spinning. *Focus on rebuilding connections ASAP. It only causes heartbreak for you. My focus has been on my relationship with my wife. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. I have no idea whether they are still in touch. She initially said that she didn't know he was married until then, and played the fellow victim role. I think, the storm has passed. Too late for this article. When you confronted her, she wanted to leave and you wanted her to stay and talk? Readying it for sail again. There are no secrets with her family. She hasn't. Dude, your "world" has already collapsed. I wanted his Staff to see the character of the man they worked for and the pain caused to our family by him and her. WebI confronted my wife's lover the morning after I found out. I insisted on being told the truth or she was to 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Don't hector, beg, or argue. I know that sometimes in marriage distractions can set in. I remember commenting on your original post a while ago. He just needs to do it. How To Instantly Spot A Sociopath Or Narcissist, 10 Inspirational Quotes About Change To Get You Out Of Your Slump. But I could tell she still loved him. I contacted the AP via message. much easier to start than they are to stop. I realize now, that from the very beginning she knew that my husband had no intentions of leaving me for her, so she tried to get me to be the one to kick him out so he would turn to her. It was sweet. The pain seemed impossible to bear, but I am thankful to God for walking me through every second of it! Do talk to her about the situation. She had been deceiving me for 2 years whilst having an affair with my husband, manipulating situations, even sending anon letters to give me hints he is over the side in the hope I will kick him out do they can be together without me ever realisingwhy all of the sudden she would be telling me the truth. No. He is committed, I thank God he had awakening from this terrible mistake. Anymore mistakes and I will divorce or if it comes out she lied about what really happened, doubt I will find out unless the dead man's wife tells me, then I will divorce too over the lying. When she returns home with her cum stained panty underneath, please hug her again, and tell her how much you love her, and how she is the apple of your eye. provide your spouse with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much he/she cares about his/her lover. This is bigger than us both. Letting the cheater have the affair partner. I believe my spouse and I can talk things over and settle our differences without involving a third party. Just Wow. Ive heard rumors that my wife is cheating. It will make me feel like I am not capable of meeting her needs.